Tribute to Itchy, Nick and Triggy (Script)

VO: One peaceful morning, while commuters were going to work, three young youths were attempting a drug deal, but were caught in the process. We received a copy of the police interview and present it to you in Dolby Surround Sound. Warning: Due to legal ramifications, we have altered their voices.
Police officer 1 (PO1): Uh... Boys, can you please follow me into the interview room?

SFX: Footsteps

PO1: Ok, we'll start with you, Mr. Archibald, could you please remove your pants.

PAUSE - Background music, Leave your hat on, starts playing.

Police officer 2 (PO2): Oh, dear god no! Put them back on or I'll kneecap you!
PO1: Must not blink! Must not blink! Must not blink!
PO1: Can you take off your hat please.


PO1: Oh my god… those aren’t bugs. Are they?
Itchy (I): Whoa, man…
Triggy (T): (Laughs)
PO2: (Hits T in stomach) Shut up! This is serious.
PO1: You, Mr. Rouse, quite a bulky jacket you're wearing there. Could conceal something quite easily, couldn't you?
Nick (N): I know my rights! You can't do this!
T: (Laughs, and is hit by PO2)
N: What do you keep hitting him for?
PO2: Shut up! I ask the questions!
PO1: Calm down mate…
T: (Laughing)
PO2: (Jumps forward and breaks T's glasses) You will respect my authoritah!
I: Cool, Southpark, man.
PO2: Shut up Archibald! Or I'll shove that skateboard up your…
PO1: Now, now. Remember what happened last time. They've only just managed to clean the blood off the walls.
PO2: Shut up I'll do you in too!
PO1: I think you'd better leave the room.
PO2: Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't want to kill anyone. Again!
PO1: Ah, Mr. Rouse. I see you’ve removed your jacket. Would you mind removing your shirt?
N: Do I have to?
PO1: Yes.
N: All right then. But I know my rights!
PO1: Mr. Trigwell, could you possibly turn off that music?
T: My face!
PO1: Oh, well, it can wait. Can you please strip down to your underwear?
T: Do'h!
PO1: Are you sure you have had those dimples on your whole body?
I: Whoa
PO1: You all seem to be free of drugs. You can go now.
T: Woohoo!
PO1: Oh, and try to stay away from the rest of that VAT gang you belong to.
N: We're not a gang, we're a course.
PO1: Hmm, I might have to arres… interview the rest of them.
I: Nah, man. That would be like really heavy.
PO1: Does he always speak like that?
T: (Laughs) Yeah…
I: Dude…
PO1: (pause) are you actually going to leave?
N: Oh, all right then.
PO1: Can someone turn that bloody music off?

Notes: There's only about 25 people in the whole world who know the background behind this script.