GOOD MORNING IRAQ - How to kill the President
|2||C2||Ahmed: Good morning, and welcome to our show. Today we broadcast from the sunny city of Perth. And why are we filming here you ask? Because nobody knows where the fuck it is.|
|3||C3||Saddam: Yeah, Scotland is nice this time of year.|
|4||C1||Ahmed: (sneering voice) Western Australia you desert junkie.|
|5||C2||Ahmed: And now that people know where we are, we have to find another shit-hole to film from. (Ahmed explains with a
sarcastic smile on his face. Saddam also has a smile on his face, but one of accomplishment)|
Saddam: So what are we doing today boss?
Ahmed: We teach these mindless idiots that are watching how to do the one thing that is within reach, but can't be done.
|6||C3||Saddam: Use a pogo stick?|
|7||C1||Ahmed: Kill the president.|
|8||C3||Saddam: Of the workers union?|
|9||C1||Ahmed: Of the USA.|
|10||C2||(Saddam nods in understanding)|
Ahmed: So how do you think we can kill him?
Saddam: C4 in Monica's mouth?
|11||C1||Ahmed: No you idiot, we shoot him when he is driving a convertible through Dallas.|
|12||C3||Saddam: Are you sure that would work?|
|13||C2||Ahmed: We've done it before. And if you question me again and, I'll blow you to Arab heaven. (Ahmed pulls out his gun and
points it to Saddam's head)|
Saddam: (whimpering voice) Ok boss.
Ahmed: (happy voice) And to entertain us all, here is a video of that eventful day in Dallas.
|14||C4||Video shows the JFK assassination, but it also clearly shows Ahmed in the background with a bulge in his jacket.|
|15||C2||Ahmed: Lucky for me I found a small hill to hide behind or the whole day could have turned into disaster.|
Saddam: Correct me if Im wrong, Ahmed, but you dont have a sniper rifle any more.
Ahmed: Our good friend Dave from the AFP has one he can spare. (Pulls mobile phone from under the desk) Lets give him a call.
|16||C3||Saddam: Didnt he shoot you twice last time we saw him?|
Saddam: Never mind
|17||C2||Ahmed: I think youve forgotten about our Voice-Disguiso-Phone. (points to mobile) Hell think its John Howard. (begins
dialling a number. Saddam groans)|
Ahmed: Its ringing Hiya Dave! Its little Johnny. Yeah, I was just wondering if I could borrow one of your rifles for a week or so? I can? Thanks. Ill send someone around to pick it up. Bye.
Saddam: Ill get Abdul to do it. Abdul, you worthless burrowing ferret type person! Theres a package waiting at the AFP headquarters for us!
|18||C1||Ahmed: While were waiting for the gun to arrive, would you like some genuine Turkish coffee? Its fresh
(grabs a pair of
tongs and brings a heavily insulated pot from under the desk)|
Saddam: No thank you, fellow son of the desert. I try not to drink things that can eat through steel.
Ahmed: (looking upset) Ill just go and watch some camel racing then
|19||C4||A few days later|
|20||C2||(The gun has arrived)|
Ahmed: Saddam, can you explain to the idiots what this is, and remember to speak their 'language'.
|21||C3||(Laid back approach)|
Saddam: Ok, this is a really large gun, mate. And all you need to do is assemble it like this (Saddam puts all four pieces together), put it on this little 'tripod' like this, put in a magazine full of deadly bullets, aim through the 'scope', (crazy voice) and then kill that camel, BANG, BANG, BANG.
|22||C2||Ahmed: Quiet you pile of diseased monkey faeces. (Grabs sniper rifle and aims at Saddam's head)|
|23||C1||Ahmed: And for a little practice, we present Abdul. (Audience applause)|
|24||View from side of desk looking at Abdul||(Abdul is standing there shit scared)|
Abdul: Is this going to hurt master?
Ahmed: (Aiming at Abdul) Not much. Now just stand still while I aim at your head.
|25||View through scope||(Abdul's head is shaking heavily)|
Ahmed: Be still or I'll put bullets in the magazine.
Abdul: (Puzzled look on his face) What are you talking about?
Ahmed: (Pulls trigger and a flag comes out, with a sign saying, in Arabic, BANG! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.)
|26||C2||Ahmed: You can go now you little runt.|
(Abdul walks off, but not before giving him the two finger salute)
Saddam: (To audience) You see, back home, he would have his whole hand cut off for that.
|27||C1||Ahmed: All we need to do now is to find a gullible Arab in America who believes in god, give him the gun, and get him to take the blame when he fails miserably.|
|28||C3||Saddam: If we fail every attempt boss, why don't we just drop a nuclear bomb on the White House?|
|29||C2||Ahmed: (Pointing a gun at Saddam's Head) If you keep this up, I'll dress you in an Indonesian army uniform and toss you inside
the East Timor border.|
Saddam: (Whimpering) Yes boss.
Ahmed: That is all for today, so until next week, may your terrorism activities be profitable.
Notes: This is Ricky's new GMI script that I've also done a fair bit of work on. You should be able to see which bits are whos, anyway.