Sir David Attenborough interview (Script)

Ricky: And today's special guest is Sir David Attenborough!

FX: Clapping

DA: Well, hello Ricky.
Ricky: So, Sir David, how are you going?
DA: Very well thank you Ricky, but you may call me Dave from now on.
Ricky: Err... Ok. So, Dave, what projects are you working on at the moment?
DA: Well, I have been filming a documentary on a small patch of green mould I found in the back of my refrigerator.
Ricky: That's, um, really... interesting, Dave.
DA: No, no, it is really interesting. Don't you think that the evolution of bacteria is just amazing, Ricky?
Ricky: Err.. No. Not really. Have some coffee, Dave.
DA: Don't mind if I do. I say, that's an interesting bug running around in the sugar. I think I'll make a documentary about it.
Ricky: Dave, that's a coffee bean floating on top. Hang on a sec, I'll just pick it out for you...
DA: Are you sure it's a coffee bean? It looks like it just bit you. What an amazing idea for a documentary.
Ricky: (In pain) No, no, mate. I'm fine. Just pass me a band-aid. Cheers. Now, How is your career going, and where do you see your self in 10 years time?
DA: Well, if a coffee-bean bug hasn't killed me... (chuckle)
Ricky: Like, say, for instance, Dave, will you be making a documentary about it?
DA: What, my life or the coffee-bean bug?
Ricky: Yeah. the coffee-bean bugs... I meant your life, Dave.
DA: My life, of course. I think that I would make a stunning documentary. Oh, is there any more coffee left?
Ricky: Yeah, hang on a sec. Jimmy! Get us some more coffee ya little runt!
Jimmy: (Hunchback voice) Here you are, master.
Ricky: Cut the hunchback crap, Jimmy.
DA: I say, how's the work experience going, Jim?
Jimmy: (Strained voice) I've been doing coffee runs for two and a half weeks now, and I think I'm going to kill someone...
DA: Maybe I should do a documentary about that?
Ricky: Run along now, you little parasite.
DA: I think the repetition is driving him mad. Maybe you should get him to do something else for a while.
Ricky: Yeah, you're probably right. Hey, Jimmy! How do you feel about making tea?
Jimmy: How do you do that?
Ricky: Shut up and make it!
Jimmy: But...
Ricky: Now, or I'll tell your principal about that ounce you tried to sell me.
Jimmy: What ounce?
Ricky: Just bugger off.
Jimmy: (Walking away) Fascist.
DA: That reminds me of a documentary I made in the 60s.
Ricky: What, on hippies?
DA: No, fascists.
Ricky: I don't believe I've seen that one before.
DA: No, no, you wouldn't have. You see Ricky, we were on location in Thailand, and I beleive, yes, just out of the capital, err... Bangkok. We were in this opium field, and before we knew it, there was the millitary, coming in on us from every direction, so we fled as quicky as we could. Unfortunately, that meant leaving the equipment. But we weren't mad, we were lucky. (ending in emotion)
Ricky: So you didn't end up finding your equipment?
DA: No Ricky. But it didn't matter much, we found an exact match on the streets of Bangkok, and they even looked the same. Now that was trippy.
Ricky: Could It have been because they were the same ones you lost in the jungle? The Thais are known for doing that sort of thing back in the Sixties.
DA: (With uncertainty in voice) No, no. I very much doubt that...
Ricky: Are you sure? You know, Dave, the original tapes could have been in the recorder.
DA: (silence)
Ricky: Ok. Sir Attenborough, that's all we have time for today. On behalf of Anarchy FM, I would like to thank you for coming all the way to our studio, and the cheque is in the mail.
DA: (mumbling)
Ricky: And coming up in the show, our comedian of the day is Dennis Leary with a talk on quitting cigarettes. Jimmy! Get us some more coffee you little...

Notes: Dave is played by me, Ricky by himself, and Jimmy by the third (and less seen) member of Anarchy FM, Brett. The coffee references are due to the fact that we'd just gotten a kettle, disposable cups, Nescafe 43 coffee, sugar, etc. in the Media room.